An Important and Definitive Ranking of Gossip Girl Fuckboys

Features. Posted 9 months ago

Lucy Jones

Who will be the biggest fuckboy of them all?

Like many of our favourite shows of yesteryear, Gossip Girl would never be made today. If you walked into Netflix and pitched a show about a bunch of rich white kids dealing with the burden of their privilege — aka the scandalous lives of Manhattan’s elite — you’d be laughed out of the office. “But wait, the second episode is about a brunch! A fight breaks out AT BRUNCH!” you’d scream, as the Netflix execs push you out the door. Fortunately for us, whoever was approving television shows in 2007 had no qualms with Gossip Girl’s flimsy premise.

For six seasons we watched ~drama unfold~ at various high society events — first came the iconic brunch, then the ‘Kiss on the Lips Party’, the masked ball, the debutante ball, several Thanksgiving dinners, and let’s not forget the dramatic ‘White Party’ in The Hamptons. Through all of the #firstworldproblems we were blissfully unaware of the fact that every single guy on Gossip Girl sucked. Now that we’re a little older and a little wiser we can see the whiny Dan Humphrey and the womanising Chuck Bass for what they really were: total fuckboys. And so, drumroll please, we’ve compiled a scientific and extremely important ranking of every Gossip Girl fuckboy, arranged from least to most insidious.

13) Eric van der Woodsen

Good Morning Upper East Siders, Gossip Girl here. So you thought Eric van der Woodsen was a harmless cutie-pie? Think again sweetie. Eric was the least worst fuckboy on Gossip Girl but a fuckboy none-the-less.

12) Marcus Beaton

“I’m British… and a Lord” was Marcus’ favourite thing to say. *Ding ding* fuckboy alert! As it turned out, Marcus was also sleeping with his mum (aka Shelly Briggs from Twin Peaks). SICK SAD WORLD!

11) Prince Louis

Boy was Prince Louis bland. He was also creepy and evil. Bye Louis!

10) William “Tripp” van der Bilt

Nate’s cousin Tripp only appeared on the show for like a second but that was long enough for him to reveal his true fuckboy nature. And the award for smuggest facial expression goes to:

9) Damien Dalgaard

Damien plays the messed up privileged kid who sells his daddy’s prescription drugs. He also coerces Jenny into sex. Fuckboy rating: 10/10.

8) Gabriel Edwards

Ergh, this guy! Gabriel cons Serena into thinking that they got married one drunken night and then cons Rufus into giving him all Dan’s college money. A classic case of charming on the surface, fuckboy underneath.

7) Bart Bass

Bart Bass is an evil man who seems to think that being rich is a personality trait. He has no sense of humour to speak of, never ever smiles, and tries to kill his own son. Problematic to say the least.

6) Nate Archibald

Don’t let Nate’s puppy dog eyes fool you, he is a legit shit guy. Nate cheats on his forever love (Blair) for the entire first season of Gossip Girl and proceeds to hook up with everyone from Liz Hurley to Vanessa. Woof woof, Nate! We’re onto you.

5) Carter Baizen

Carter Baizen is that fuckboy who *went to Europe once* and won’t stop talking about how good the weed is in Berlin. Spare me Carter.

4) Aaron Rose

Aaron Rose is a Brooklyn-based artist who wears scarves and fedoras. Need we say more? In his short relationship with Serena, she becomes his muse (translation: he involves her face in some shit art) before the pair embark for Argentina. Here, Serena realises how cringeworthy her art girl phase is and breaks up with Aaron. PS: this pick up line.

3) Rufus Humphrey

We need to talk about Rufus Humphrey. Father to Dan and Jenny and former rock star. Rufus hates rich people yet sends his kids to a fancy private school in what’s probably just some long-winded ploy to win Lily van der Woodsen back. The washed up celeb and gallery owner specialises in pushing his shitty taste in music, art, and leather necklaces on those around him.

2) Chuck Bass

When we first meet Chuck Bass in the lobby of his daddy’s hotel, it is clear he’s supposed to be the show’s resident sleaze. With a sly grin he offers to get Serena a sandwich and then tries to make out with her. If I had a dollar for every time a guy’s pulled that trick on me! A few episodes later, he forces himself onto Jenny Humphrey at the Kiss on the Lips Party. Dan comes to the rescue but soon after all is forgotten and forgiven. Everyone seems to be cool with Chuck’s rapeiness, which persists for at least the entire first season.

Ummm… wtf? When other characters do call Chuck out, he responds with this completely ridiculous catch phrase:

1) Dan Humphrey

Spotted: lonely boy wandering around the streets of Brooklyn crying about a girl who doesn’t love him because she is ~from a different world~. Omfg, Daniel Randolph Humphrey was not only the biggest Gossip Girl fuckboy but one of the biggest fuckboys in pop culture history. Dan’s inferiority complex was really hard to swallow because a) he lived in a fucking lush apartment in the fancy part of Brooklyn, and b) just get over it, Dan! But Dan does not get over it, instead channelling all his “poor me!” rage into a little blog called Gossip Girl.

Dan also wore vests, always carried a messenger bag, wanted to write for the New Yorker, and acted as if his fuckboy-ery were romantic.


PS: Little J was a total fuckboy too.

XOXO Gossip Girl.

We feel conflicted about other male characters too:

Why Seth Cohen is the Greatest TV Crush Ever Written

Why Ryan Atwood is Actually the Best Character on The O.C.

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