A still from Into the Wild (2007). Image Source.
If there’s anything worse than an obvious fuccboi it’s an obscure fuccboi. They seem cool and nice on the surface but deep down they are shallow, selfish, slimy snakes. Their venom is slowly released into your bloodstream by way of conversation openers like “I don’t mean to be rude, but…” and questions like “What’s the definition of feminism?”. Also, snakes do not have opposable thumbs so they will NEVER text back. Fuccboi’s come in various varieties — the fashion fuccboi, the ‘woke’ fuccboi, the gym junkie fuccboi. These dudes are usually easy to spot, just look out for the Vetements raincoat, the “down with male privilege!” Tinder bio, or the six-pack selfie. A new and definitely-not-improved fuccboi breed is the ‘fuccboi who loves nature’. This guy has spent the last few years getting into your good books by going on hikes, building cabins in the woods, doing up his Kombi van, and cooking all his meals al fresco. He has carefully cultivated a wholesome persona in an attempt to mask his true fuccboi nature, but the jig is finally up.
Maybe we ate one too many shit meals that you cooked on a shit fire in your shit backyard (you talked about how delicious the black crumbly sausages were the whole time though), or maybe one too many guys tried to convince us that “we’d actually love camping if we actually tried it” (we have and we don’t), or maybe we spent one too many nights sleeping on a flimsy mattress in the back of some guy’s van. Somewhere in-between all of the trail mix and talk of moving to Byron, we realised that you outdoorsy types are the most quintessentially fuccboi fuccbois we’d ever met.
With the rise of cool ethical trends like Gorpcore, you’d be forgiven for failing to spot the nature fuccboi in his natural habitat. But it’s time to look beyond the Patagonia jacket and the KeepCup and expose these dudes for who and what they truly are. In the name of protecting other women from that guy who will date you for two years and then pack a bag, burn all his money, and declare he needs to “reconnect with nature” before leaving you forever, here’s how to spot a ‘fuccboi who loves nature’ (FWLN) ~in the wild~.
It’s not enough for the nature fuccboi to know that he loves nature, everyone must know about this rare and unique personality trait he possesses. This means that a FWLN often asks random strangers to take photos of him sitting on a cliff edge so that he can show everyone on the internet he sat on a cliff edge. A proper FWLN will have at least 15 photos like this on his Instagram. If his profile pic features a cliff combined with a sunset or a handstand and the caption “not photoshopped ;)” RUN AWAY.
When you finally agree to go camping with him, the FWLN keeps doing stupid shit to try to impress you. He tries to make fire with sticks, eats worms, and forages for berries as if you’re a cavewoman who should be impressed by his caveman abilities. He probably reckons that if he were to tear his shirt open and beat his chest with his fists, your clothes would spontaneously start to leap off your body. It’s 2017 mate, show me how to navigate the Dark Web or how to buy Bitcoin or show me nothing.
The nature fuccboi also engages in risk-taking behaviour that ends up injuring him severely. He sticks his head in a beehive and bees fly fucking everywhere! His whole face blows up as a result (he’s allergic) but that’s fine because it totally made him look hot and manly.
It’s not only the FWLN’s attitude that is manly, but everything that he owns and does. His flannel shirt, manly. His ability to build things with his hands, manly. His beard, manly. His truck is a manly truck that requires man knowledge in order to move. He only cooks man foods like steak with sausages. His constant maintenance of this manliness means that he likes to mansplain all of the above to you, a silly, truck-less, flanno-less, beard-less girl.
When nature fuccbois aren’t “going bush” they are going on surf trips with the boys. “Don’t forget to water the kale!” they say, before disappearing for three weeks at a time.
Back at home, the FWLN sees himself as your provider and your protector and will often try to speak on your behalf. His holier than thou attitude, combined with his wholesome persona, means that he thinks he’s right about *literally* everything. He also judges you for being materialistic every time you buy something or add seasoning to a dish. “You don’t need that!” he yells as if he’s a possession-less angel from heaven. And, when you want to do stuff that’s not in nature (God forbid), he refuses to join you you because it’s “just not his thing”.
The FWLN wants to change you — he wants you to move to the country, to start growing all your own vegetables, and to be more free. Whatever the fuck that means. Basically, he wants you to fit perfectly into his great outdoors; the Jane to his Tarzan. After the FWLN has made you endure all of the above, he will decide to throw off the shackles of society (including you) and return to nature.
Here’s another guy we’d never like to see again: