Margarita, Maria and Bianca from Yummy Mummies. Image Source.
“This is against my religion, Lucy,” my mum tells me as we sit down to watch the first episode of Channel Seven’s Yummy Mummies. My mother is not a religious woman, but as a midwife and someone who’s given birth three times, she finds the show’s premise deeply offensive. Before we pressed play, I read several reviews that called the show unwatchable but as a long-time fan of Top Model and The Real Housewives, I assumed I could handle it. I was wrong.
Yummy Mummies is based on a group of women who refuse to let their pregnancy get in the way of their self-image — they dress up, they shop, they socialise, they have a lot of sex with their husbands — they aren’t mums, they are yummy mummies. “Some young mums just seem to lose it during pregnancy, like, normally glamorous people are walking outside of the house looking daggy,” explains yum mum Rachel. “I hate frumpy maternity clothes, there’s no need for it. Like, people are still seeing them. You’re pregnant. You’re not dead.” No I’m not dead but you are killing me Rachael.
With their tight dresses, high heels, full faces of make-up, and perfectly tonged hair, these women present an unrealistic and uncomfortable picture of motherhood. It’s one that plays into the male gaze and the pressure that’s put on women to look put-together (but, like, effortless at the same time) no matter what. “These are the mothers I never want to look after, they’re hideous! They don’t care about their babies, they just care about their bodies,” my Mum exclaims at one point in the episode. It might sound harsh, but she has a point. Yes, pregnancy fucks with your body in a major way. No, that’s not a negative thing. Rather, it’s the actual circle of life. The stretch marks and scars that follow childbirth are evidence that a human baby emerged from your body — what a bloody miracle!
The show opens with three pregdog ladies crossing the road: “when we walk down the street it’s quite funny because we’re all pregnant,” one of them astutely observes. These ladies are Lorinska, Rachel and Jane, the proud owners of an Instagram page called Melbourne Yum Mums. We get acquainted with these women over brunch before meeting the fourth and final yummy mummy — Adelaide-based “glamour queen” Maria. We’re invited into Maria’s home which features a Versace doormat, Versace bathroom tiles, Versace cushions, and a Chanel powder room that looks like it was taken straight off the cosmetics floor of David Jones. Here, Maria shows us all the shit she’s bought for her unborn baby which includes approximately 100 pairs of Nike Air Max shoes, loads of Burberry plaid, and some Polo Ralph Lauren. Basically, the kid is going to dress like a classy lass from day dot. In Adelaide we also meet Maria’s mother Margarita who is the true star of the show. Rocking up at Maria’s house with a bottle of Möet, Margarita admits they she had a little drink every day during her pregnancy (don’t worry it’s fine, she Googled it). She’s also wearing a BLUETOOTH EARPIECE.
Can someone cancel Yummy Mummies and give Margarita her own show?
Maria then announces that she’d like to have a Burberry-themed baby shower (please do Maria) and she and her mother say “cheers to babies!” At this point, my mum is not really coping, she calls the show a terrible ad for motherhood and insists that “they’ll all suffer with post-natal depression”. Dark.
Back in Melbourne, Lorinska gets an ultrasound and tells her husband that he has to buy her a diamond ring as a ‘push present’. The doctor conducting the ultra sound confirms that push presents are legit things husbands HAVE TO buy their wives. Then, we join Maria and Margarita at the local footy club where they’ll be putting on the biggest baby shower Adelaide has ever seen. Maria gets in an argument with the event planner because she can’t have the biggest room in the building for her little bebe and rolls her eyes approx. 500 times.
As a form of revenge in a totally scripted move, the event planner suggests that Maria look at the Melbourne Yum Mums Instagram account for inspiration. Mariri has a scroll and calls pictures from a previous baby shower “Wanna be Tiffany” asking “who even does Tiffany anymore?” *Cancels upcoming Tiffany-themed party* Margarita chimes in to comment on the colour scheme, saying “I don’t want the yellow, reminds me of chooks”. Love you, Marg.
Next up, we’ve got the exciting television event that is Lorinska picking out her push present. What a delight. Joined by Jane and Rachael at the jewellers, Lorinska looks at a rare diamond ring and tells everyone she “loves the word rare”. The jeweller then does a lot of finger guns, which is apparently a persuasive sale strategy because Lor says she’ll take the it! It’s only 90k after all, nbd.
Then, Maria sees how many likes the Melbourne girls get on their Instagram posts and invites them to her baby shower. Logical. In the meantime, the theme has changed from Burberry to Versace because of course it has. After a painful scene at Maria’s place in which the Melbourne girls ~subtly~ tease her for being obsessed with Versace and having a laminated bench-top in her kitchen ( who doesn’t have marble?), Margarita gets some more screen time. Thank god. The original yum mum walks down the street wearing a bum bag, she’s on her way to learn a dance routine that she’ll perform at the baby shower. She tells us she’ll “keep everything classy” and proceeds to pull out a blue vinyl skirt that she got made out of material from “the car shop”. What an absolute queen.
My (thankfully not that yum) Mum finally reaches peak horrified when some of the mothers start shaming other mothers for breastfeeding in public, and insist that it’s something they’d never do. She fills with the quiet kind of rage that only a midwife who’s helped thousands through breastfeeding difficulties could understand. She has nothing to say and begins to “tsk” and shake her head at the television. Same tbh.
10/10 would not watch again.
Keep sipping on that reality tea: